Twelve Things

There is this Facebook thing where you like someone's status and they give you a number. You're supposed to use those numbers to tell facts about your life, or something as such. Since mine ended up being super long, I just decided to make it a blog post instead.

My number was twelve, so twelve things about myself ...

1. I almost never say that I am American. It is always that I am an Alaskan. I know that the U.S. is very diverse, but I feel like Lower 48 Americans compared to Alaskans and Hawaiians are a whole other playground. I've met more Lower 48-ians since my adventures in France and Japan started than I did when I was in Alaska. It has opened my eyes to realize just how different we are. I always have a difficult time relating to people from the Lower 48. I feel like we are from a different country more than just a different part of the same country.

2. I yearn for knowledge. Learning is one of my purposes in life.

3. I wish that I had cared more about math and that, in the past, I had more interest in it. Now I feel as though it is very difficult to get to where I want with math since I am so far behind. I want to understand complicated math formulas in order to understand complicated ideas of the universe (and with my ever growing interest in science, I need math). But at the University I am stuck in developmental math, far behind. Even if I caught up, I wouldn't have the money to continue going to school just to learn math. If anyone has any tips on how I can learn math other than the University, that would be wonderful.

4. I always wondered why when I was in grade school it was so difficult for me to make friends. I had friends, but they were usually always preoccupied with other friends. The older I grew, the more my friends faded and grew into cliques that I was simply a ghost when I was a part of it. I would say things and no one would acknowledge it. I wondered why my voice was not heard. Was I loser? Did I not understand how social cliques and being social worked? After I graduated, I had a lot of hatred in my heart about it. There was a lot of anger towards people who were my friends. It was unfair of me to have this much hatred, but I think it is this hatred that led me into a time of self-reflection. After some time, I wanted to become better for myself. I wanted to dispel this hatred that really was at myself more than at my previous friends. I hated myself for being a loser, for being so full hate, and for blaming others and treating others less because I couldn't figure out how to be socially normal. I still haven't figured out this whole social thing, but I have managed to dispel a lot of hatred. I work for happiness now, for the happiness of others and myself. It is easier for me to make friends, but I look for friends who are positive and not passive aggressive. But I have become a very different person than I was even two years ago. But that's okay, I am always striving to be a better person and conquer my fears and weaknesses.

5. This is just a continuation of number 4. I think at some point, I realized that I am weird. Like a lot of people think they are weird, and they pride themselves on being "weird", but I think that I am legitimately weird to some people. Not the good weird. The bad weird. Like, socially awkward in a not pleasant kind of way Weird. As in, not Zooey Deschanel awkward, more like really quiet and lots of social anxiety that is obviously awkward. Actually, this article pretty much sums up what I mean by "bad weird": http://www.succeedsocially.com/weird. Wow, it is like this person stalked me. Except the Hyper and Childish, Amusing myself, or provoking people who shun me ... the rest is quite accurate. I think that this is one reason why number four happened. I was a loser. Kind of still am. Not that I personally find it a bad thing, as I have come to accept myself and have little or no shame about being socially different. I don't fit into the mold, and I do not wish to. My social anxiety has gotten better, and I say a lot less stupid things to people I don't know. I think being weird in this way is a part of me, kind of the core of who I am so it isn't something I really want to change. I've come to accept myself better.

6. Talking about social molds, I really am not fond of these. I do not think that women must be feminine, that men must be masculine, or that other social constructs determine how a person must act. I really am for the nurture argument, that environment and what we see as a young child determines how we act. Of course, I think there are some situations where nature plays a role, but in the gender argument, I am strictly for nurture besides when it comes to the biological aspect of the human body. Of course men and women have different downstairs and a little bit of different amounts of chemicals, but other than that I really think that gender is taught. So I will not agree with you if you say that all men are stupid and think with their dicks, nor will I agree with you that all women like chocolate and high heels. This does not just apply to gender, but for racial stereotypes as well. I do not think someone of a different skin color is any different from me besides they have built in sun-block and I don't. How can I even complain about that? Everyone to me is human first. We are all one on this planet, and I love people based on who they are, not what they are.

7. My top pet peeves are: a.) you know that time when the theatre gets dark and the movie starts? You are supposed to put your phone away at that point. b.) long fingernails. They interfere with everything! Typing, writing with a pencil, just everything. I can't understand people who work at jobs where they do typing and have these manicured, long nails. c.) 1 cent coins! UGH. Dollars, Euros, Yen. Why does these exist? They are useless! d.) people standing behind me or off to my side while I am sitting. e.) the sound when you rub the carpet, it hurts me. f.) sick children who are coughing these gross, sick coughs nearby. g.) people who talk to children in this baby voice. They are not morons, just kids. A gentle voice is okay, but a baby voice is absolutely unnecessary and it sounds like you are mocking them. h.) Being late. I like to think that I am fairly patient, but when people are late repeatedly or so late that I am missing out, I get a little irritated. Or when I am with people and I am ready but they are not so we are all late. I can take like five minutes to get ready, but if you are not like that, please get ready in advance. Know how long it takes for you to get ready for something. And if you are late, apologize. And mean it. It's annoying when someone is late, and they are not even winded, with their hair all styled ... and then they say, "Oh, I am so sorry I was late! Teehee." Grrr. g.) Being told that I look or am just like my mother. Sorry, Mom. I just think that we are very different people. Also, I think that I look like a mix of both of my parents. It just so happens that I am a female, my mom is a female so people say "You look just like your mom!" But then my brother and I look a lot alike but I never hear anyone saying that to him. So, no, I don't think you're being "nice" when you say that. I think you are saying something you feel obliged to say and honestly it's a little bit rude. It tells me you know nothing about my personality. In fact, my mom and I are almost opposites. She is outgoing and likes being social, I am an introvert and let's just say that I have spent months without going outside or seeing other people and was content about it. She is much more a people person than I would ever want to be. We are very different. It's not a bad thing. Nothing wrong with being different. I like to be different.

8. I have chronic physical pain, which I think I have mentioned before. A bone near my spinal cord is fused together, so I am in a lot of pain from time to time. I think it explains a lot of things in my life, such as having a lot of sleep issues (that I think I have explained in a previous blog post as well). But I do not like to admit when I am in pain.

9. I am obsessed with the idea of death. This concept has subconsciously controlled a lot of my life. It was only until recently that it left my subconscious and it dawned on me that it was the case. For so long, I denied that I would ever die. I truly believed that I would live forever and escape the clutches of death. I would find the cure, an elixir of life. The fear of death consumed me. Throughout my entire life I have had horrific nightmares, most related to death. I am very much effected by death, even when I watch a movie or read a book and death happens, I feel so much pain from it in most cases. As a child, I read a lot. For fear of character death, I always read ahead to see if they died, so that if they did it would be less painful when I got to it. But I am interested in death, or a concept of an afterlife involving the paranormal. I've managed to write a 300 page bestiary on mythical, folkloric beings, most being related to death in some form. It dawned on me that I was obsessed with death around eight months ago. I had sleep paralysis, where this monster was staring down at me, its hallowed out eyes staring into my soul. I saw myself for a split moment, lying there, staring at this creature. Then I returned to myself, paralyzed, unable to move. It was so real. When I finally broke from the sleep paralysis, I was so relieved it had not been real ... but it did not leave my mind and at that moment, I thought of death. I thought of it and it made me physically cold and sick. At that point, it was as if all of the pieces had connected and I realized that I was obsessed with death.

P.S. This is not a plea for help. I very much enjoy life. I am just obsessed with the concept of death, not of being dead. I still fear death, greatly. I do not fear the idea of living forever. So, don't worry.

10. Hell, this is so long. Who wants to read all this shit? I adore writing. It is really the best way for me to 'talk'. There are things I would never tell people through talking, but would tell them through writing. Perhaps that is why I am a little more open in my blogs and Facebook than I may be in real life. I enjoy the distance. I can tell people something without having to see their faces, without seeing their reactions. I don't have to see if they think I am crazy. Of course, there are some things I greatly prefer to say in person, but I can express myself ten times better through writing. Sometimes I don't have to think when I write, my fingers just move and my ideas form onto paper or a computer document. I just go, and my feelings leave me, my thoughts transcribed and no longer consuming me. I don't enjoy going long bouts without writing.

11. I always find it sad when people think swear words are uncreative. If they are so uncreative, why don't you make them creative? In fact, I find it uncreative to think something is uncreative. Yes, of course, it is the job of the creator to make something creative, or give a little push, but it is also the job of the person receiving to use their brains and be creative as well. I detest that schools teach creativity, but only within the confines of what they think is creative. If you are too creative, too thoughtful, you are a danger. Do not fear creativity! Do not fear conformity either, for where this conformity, there is a chance to turn it into creativity.

12. I may be afraid of death, but I am not afraid of life. And while I am afraid of death, I am also intrigued. I am intrigued by my fears.

13. BONUS because I forgot one that I really wanted to say.

As I child I never wanted to grow older. Although I was bullied, and at times a bully myself ... and often I was lonely and sad that I was misunderstood ... I was always content where I was. I remember at age twelve realizing that I was depressed, and when I told others that I was depressed they told me, "no, you are too young for that, you are just sad." But I was depressed. I felt more than just sadness. I hated myself and the world. But I did not wish to be older, as being older does not make life easier or happier.

And now that I am older, I do not yearn to be young again. I would change nothing in my life (except maybe that I had tried harder with math). I am content to be twenty-two. I do fear getting older. But as I said, I am intrigued by what I fear.


Wow, that was so long. I am so hungry for breakfast right now. I hope that if you read all of this, that you enjoyed it and maybe you understand a little bit about why I am ... well ... kind of weird. But aren't we all? Of course, every day is a journey and every day I realize that I do not know a lot about myself. These are realizations about myself that I have had ... but they may change as I change. Who am I? I don't know, and that's okay because the mystery is the best part of life. Mystery gives me the yearning for knowledge.

Anyway, I have to go eat breakfast now. Until next time~