A blog!

D'accord ...

Apparently, I've had this blog since 2010. After coming back I noticed that I had a few really, really emo posts and remember why I forgot about this. But I'm back with a better attitude (most of the time)!

So, Lost Inside the Mirror. When I originally started my blog I wanted a place where no one knew who I was and I just ranted. It was supposed to be a reflection of what kind of person I was at the time. I've been on a long personal journey about trying to better myself and view myself from the outside. In a sense, I wanted to place myself inside a mirror so that I could judge myself and my actions from another perspective in order to improve my moral being. Though, I've come to think that while it's important to take care of how the mirror views you, keep in mind that the image is flipped and there will always be a part of you that only you see. Balance is always filled with the right kinds of energies.

Anyway, I am starting this blog (again) because I think it will be easier to update people with my life. My life abroad, that is. It won't be exclusively about France, but mostly since I'm living here. Today I felt probably the most depressed and frustrated that I have since I've arrived in France so in theory would be a good time to write a blog post about my experiences. I'll try to make it quick and short since bedtime is drawing near.

I have been having my on and off days but today I was much more hostile than I would have liked. I felt frustrated and depressed most of the day, especially at certain points. I'd go into detail, but my brain has already been set into 'suppress mode' so the details are a bit fuzzy and just make me frustrated thinking about it. I did spend some time thinking about how now that I've experienced what it is like being a foreigner and trying to learn to speak their language that people should take a step back before judging people who don't speak English well that are in the United States. "Learn English!" Yeah? What if they are trying to learn English? What if they do know English and their main problem is getting the accent down? The accent is a very difficult thing to master. Maybe when you decided that you weren't going to talk to that receptionist/[insert other job where you talk with the person] because they didn't speak English well they lost an opportunity to improve their English. What if they've been speaking English all day and are mentally exhausted? Speaking a foreign language all of the time is exhausting.

On a similar, but different note, we had conversation partners today, but I felt like my conversation partner wasn't being very enthusiastic or interested. I attempted to ask several questions in french where I got a simple reply with a little laugh while we sat there awkwardly and listened to everyone else talk. She asked me one question, I believe. By the end of that, I was feeling a bit morose so my home ride on the tram was filled with thoughts about Alaska.

I miss Alaska. I really do. People back home who read this might think, "No, it's below 0 here, you don't miss it." Well, I do. I really do miss the cold and the snow. It's what I know best. There is a peaceful and tranquil feeling when the snow has set in and it's dark out all of the time. It sounds awful, and it kind of is, but that tranquility and disconnected feeling is very hard to achieve here. I can spend so much time by myself in the cold and Alaska where here I feel obliged to go to do things. Whether it's spending time with my host or just going out, I feel like I have to. That people expect me to. It's hard to disconnect myself from the world here. I imagine that it's just a matter of getting used to the lifestyle here and once I've figured things out it will be easier to disconnect.

Of course, I needed this break from Alaska. I was going nuts there and, like people (friends, a couple), sometimes you need time away from each other. Having negative and angsty feelings are just a part of the process when moving to another country, and hopefully tomorrow it will be on the positive side. May it be better for everyone!