End of the Year: 2013 Edition

I started the year off waking up around three in the morning, shuffling around the dark hostel room that I shared with three others in order to get ready for the day. My roommate at the time and I made our way out onto the streets, people still partying and drinking. A nice Irish fellow lifted his drink to us as we walked past, telling us "Mornin'! Happy New Year!" We caught out tour bus and watched the sun rise over the grassy knolls of Ireland.

My first few days of 2013 were spent seeing the beauty of Ireland, sailing across the Irish sea that made me dizzy and seasick, and spending a glorious time in London. I stayed a whole night in the airport there, where I met a British man and an Italian woman. We talked the night away with one of the deepest conversations I may have ever had in my life. After landing back in Paris, my roommate and I headed back to Angers for our last month there. It was a quiet month. 

Goodbyes have never been so hard. After a tearful goodbye to my roommate, promising to meet once again in Japan, I can still remember her standing by her door as I went to my room. We kept our doors open for a short while until she slowly closed hers. The next day she was on a plane. Not long after that I was saying goodbye to my first host family and a few good friends I had made there. As I got onto my train, my host mom rushed to me, thrusting a letter into my hands just before the door shut. Teary-eyed, I sat down and was on my way to Grenoble. When I arrived, I was very sad for the first two days. I greatly missed my first host family, even though my new one was just as wonderful.

It would be difficult to choose which I liked better, Grenoble or Angers, but both were important pieces of my life. 

For the first time, I had people telling me I was beautiful. After a friend convinced me to cut my hair, I walked into a salon and chopped all of it off. I hated every minute of it, my heart feeling as though I had done something terrible. It was as if I had cut off a part of myself, the fear seeping into my soul and I thought to myself, "I am not ready".

And I had. 

I was no longer the terrified girl standing in the Paris airport, struggling to buy a train ticket to Angers. I cut away the fear of riding the Paris subway system alone, of doing things by myself and the fear that came along with it, or feeling despair when my arms gave out from carrying my heavy luggage between trains from Angers to Grenoble. That was gone. I had beautiful friends who thought I was beautiful too. 

Although I thought that I was not ready, I was. What was holding me back was fear, and it was painful to cut it away.

When I walked back home, my host mom looked at me and said, "You are free! You are an independent woman who does not hold back to society!" I felt so powerful, so on top of the world in Grenoble. Many men in my life told me that they preferred the long hair, and it made me think of how much I did not care what they liked. My hair is not for them. My looks are not for them. 

Living in France, travelling to Ireland and England, allowed for me to take a leap. I had grown out of the long hair, the fear and insecurities, and it needed to go. But like all change, it was scary and I wanted to keep it. Cutting my hair was more than just a haircut, it was symbolic. I did not fully realize it then, but as I look back, I know that was what it was. 

I spent my last week in France with a different host family since the one I had was going on vacation. I had to change my date to leave because of ticket prices. 

My host dad in Grenoble always would joke, "La vie est dure" (Life is hard) when someone would complain about something petty. It was always funny, and we would laugh at the circumstances. We would play chess, go flower picking in the Alps, and snow-shoeing with my host mom. I would spend hours talking with my host mom about politics and philosophical ideas. 

As I was taken in by my one-week host family, my host dad patted my head and said, "La vie est dure". It was a difficult transition, but my new host mom took me into the Alps for one last hoo-ha in France. We talked of the environment greatly.

Returning home left me melancholic and lazy. I did not get a job nor did I do much of anything productive. America seemed foreign. Everything on the news was stupid and petty. I felt like my opinions of my home were different, from a completely different perspective from before. My opinions clashed a lot with my family, and even now I find them to clash with other Americans frequently. I was a foreigner in my country. There were many financial issues, and the heat and forest fires were maybe the worst I've ever experienced.

One of the things that France taught me was about the things I took for granted living in Alaska. Clean air, nature, and the raw life. 

When I had been back in Angers, a friend of mine and my roommate took us out in his car, driving us to a secluded area. Upon stepping out and looking up, the sky was plenty with stars. They were in awe, taking photos and squealing over it as if it were some kind of tourist attraction. I watched as these two people looked at something so normal for me in such enthusiasm. 

It is usually the first or second thing that happened when I say that I am from Alaska, their eyes light up and they mutter the word, "Aurora." I have seen it so many times. It is always amazing and wonderful, beautiful. Usually I saw them coincidentally; I just so happened to be out when they were. Sometimes I knew they were out but was too lazy to go outside.

This August, once the night had started to get dark and the temperature was around 36 to 41 degrees (2 to 5 degrees Celsius), I rushed to my window, opening it and seeing that the darkness was tinted in green. Shoving on my shoes, I told my brother that the aurora was out and we went outside. It was not a good aurora, kind of faded, but I didn't care. In just some slippers, pajama pants, and a weak coat, I stared for maybe half an hour. I thought of my friend who had taken a picture of the starry night and told my brother, "You can never capture this with a camera." Sometimes there are times when you have to set your camera aside and stare into the sky.

I can't remember where I read it, I think maybe the Avery Cates series for some reason, but the main character always mentions how people never look up. Since I read that, I have always taken a few moments to look towards the sky. While I watched the aurora, and after meeting people from all over the world, I knew how rare that sight was. I understood the chance that Alaska gave me. The rare, unique chance. There was something different about seeing the aurora. Not that I have ever thought that it was not fantastic and wonderful, but it was different. I was seeing it with new eyes. My Alaskan glasses had come off and my worldly ones were on. 

Again, I was on an airplane. This time towards Japan. For some reason, I felt very hesitant about coming to Japan. The entire plane ride was depressing and as I watched The Croods, Hansel and Gretal: Witch Hunters, and Bridesmaids for some reason every movie made me emotional. When I landed, the airport heavily stressed me out, but once I was in my new home after meeting my host mom, everything became easy. 

I haven't had quite the emotional roller-coaster in Japan as I had in France, but I am not scared here. I did get lost once, but was able to ask people for help. The week of orientation, I was able to go up to new people and introduce myself, ask questions about them. Before, I used to be very shy, waiting only to be approached to introduce myself, but now I can do that on my own. 

I have become confident, able to overcome my fears, and in control of my life. 

In Japan, I have learned many things about relationships with other people - friendly and romantic. I have made some wonderful friends here. Not only that, but my host mom has made it possible for me to come in contact with Japanese culture more than would have been possible if I had been stuck in dorms. Learning the Shamisen, learning pottery, and eating all kinds of traditional foods. 

2013 has been more successful of a year than I would have ever imagined. It has been the biggest adventure of my life thus far, and it will not be the last year to do that for me. I have loved, I have laughed, I have cried (only a little bit), I have become very passionate in my endeavors, I have said too many goodbyes, I have become confident, I have eaten foods that would make others squeal, I have watched the sun rise in six different countries, and above all, I have learned. I have learned new skills and new ideas. 

I love Japan and I love France. They are fantastic countries that I will visit in the future again and again. Through coming to these two places, I have learned about another culture and my own. 

It will be a New Year, and life will take me on a new adventure. As it is every day, I will continue to experience life and live through this adventure and journey we are all on. Again, my goal is always to learn and to live! That is always my New Year's resolution. Never turn down a chance or opportunity that when I am older will say, "I wish I had done that".  

Happy New Year and welcome, 2014!

Goodbye, Au revoir, さよなら(sayonara) 2013. We had some good times, bad times, but most of all, we had life experiences and we learned.

Happy Winter Solstice and Happy Holidays!

Now that it has been a billion years since I've last updated, I am here to write rather my second to last or last update of 2013! My last update was over a month ago! I greatly apologize to those that regularly read my blog, as the last time I checked I have had over seventy visitors! Honestly, I never expected so many people to even look at this, but thank you for even taking the time to glance my blog over.

Many things have happened in this last month. I've gone to Kyoto twice with my friend who has been mentioned several times throughout my blog posts (we shared the same host family in Angers and went to London and Ireland together), spent some time in Nipponbashi (the Akihabara of Osaka http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akihabara; if you don't know what Akihabara is then you should), and experienced some good and bad times. It has been too long of a month for me to remember absolutely everything, but just know that Japan is wonderful and I am finally starting to understand life here.

Finals were this last week. They went all right, but could have gone a lot better if I had not been so stressed and worn out. Luckily, they are over and now I can relax for winter break.

I have said goodbye to many friends who returned to their home countries, and it makes me think of last year and how the same happened then too. Saying goodbye is like waking from a dream; while it is happening you are not sure if it is really the end, but afterwards it is over and the time has passed for a chance to experience more. I still have five months left here in Japan, so am almost halfway. My abroad journey is over halfway over, and frequently I have dreams where I am back in Alaska, wondering if I had done everything I wanted to do. Did I accomplish what it was I wanted to accomplish? These dreams give me melancholia, wishing to be back in France yet dreaming to stay in Japan. All the while I yearn to rediscover my beautiful home in Alaska. The cold winters call to me, the comfort of the snow and ice leave an empty spot in my heart with their absence.

Being in Japan has made me realize that perhaps I am not the type made for romantic relationships. If it is within the future, then so be it, but currently I find myself better alone. Focusing on interpersonal relationships between friends, and the interpersonal relationship I hold with myself, is a world I wish to spend more time with instead. I wish I had realized this sooner in order to prevent heartbreak regarding the other person, but everything holds experiences to learn from. One of the more difficult things in life is learning to forgive yourself, but 'tis life. Without obstacles life would be nothing but a forever going piece of white paper without lines. While there would be the curiosity and longing to come across something, we would grow exhausted at the journey without journeying. What makes a journey a journey are the obstacles, the tears and sweat, the adventure, and the experiences. We learn from the journey itself, not always from the reward or outcome. Well, personally, I think if you look hard enough or think a certain way you will find that you can learn from absolutely everything. But sometimes the journey is more fulfilling than the outcome.

I crave knowledge in this fantastic universe. If I could live forever in order to just learn and learn for eternity I would do it without hesitation. My soul is free and wandering, and every time I attempt to set it down with commitment it screams to be let go. With a heart of passion I cannot keep myself still and must continue to always be moving, learning, educating. If I close my eyes for too long, my time in Japan will be gone. I must experience this place here and now, without distractions.

If there was one thing I do not like to hear is that I am average or normal. If someone says I am stupid, I shrug it off, as truly I think no one is really stupid. Perhaps ideas, but never people. But if someone says that I am normal, average ... I feel as though I had been dunked in a pool of glaze. A glaze that makes everyone the same, without imperfections or quirks. I would rather be told I am stupid, for then I know that we are at the same level as it takes someone without much thought to tell another they are stupid. Truly, I think everyone is at a similar level, but the difference is that we are geniuses and intelligent (and stupid and ignorant) in different things. But being 'average' or 'normal' equates us to be the exact same. All of us with the same glaze, the same pose as the glaze hardens. Those with the glaze do not have the passion to break free, the quirkiness to strip it away and take control of themselves. That is not the person I want to be. Actually, I was never made for the glaze. Some people are, but I was not.

Honestly, I like to sit and think. I love philosophy and theorizing. At my core, that is what I do. I love complicated ideas and wish that I had given myself the chance to learn more math and science earlier. But I do not fear the "too late". It is never too late and I will learn. Of course, when I say learning, I do not just mean skills and subjects, but also experiences.

I used to be shy about giving compliments but as I have grown older, and have reached out, I have realized how truly lovely it is to compliment another person. There have been times at the store, a clerk with their name printed on their card, I have said that they had a wonderful name and I watched them light up as if they were a child. Or a man in the store with a nice mustache, a child who says clever things, a friend who wears pretty clothing, an elder person with cool glasses ... I love it when they smile and look so surprised. But not just appearances, when a new acquaintance makes a quirky joke they deserve to be told they are funny. Someone says something inspiring or smart, they too, deserve to be told that they are smart. People deserve to be told they are beautiful, smart, nice, fabulous. Not that they are average. Of course, they deserve to be told it earnestly. You have to have the thought sitting there in your brain before you say it. You have to look at that person and genuinely think, "Wow, they are beautiful," or, "That hat looks so cool on them," et cetera. Lying does no one any good. How can someone get better if they are told they are good at something they are not good at? But they should not be told they are "bad". No one is bad at anything, really. If someone has very little experience in something how is it fair to say they are bad at it? They are simply not experienced. When people show me their art, I never tell them they are bad. I give them advice. I encourage them to continue, to get better and practice. People deserve encouragement, even if they are "terrible" at something or even if they are very "good".

Sometimes I wish people would do that for me. Perhaps it is selfish, but sometimes I wish people would tell me that I am smart or beautiful. It sounds whiny and lame, I know. Though I think everyone wants that occasionally. I don't want to hear it all the time, but maybe once in a while, unsuspectingly, is a little nice. Otherwise I think, "What is wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I stupid?" and then I wonder if other people think that way. If there was one thing I wanted in this world, it would be for others to not feel sad or ill about themselves and others.

I would take all of the suffering in the world away and suffer instead in a blink of an eye. Perhaps if people focused on the beauty in the world, and in themselves, there would be less suffering. If there was/is a god, I would challenge him to give me all of the suffering in the world and send me to the darkest place in the universe if it would allow for everyone else to live eternity in happiness.

Before this blog post grows any longer, I would like to slow down for a moment and mention a few things about Japan. Before the end of the 2013, I plan to write my last blog post of the year. This will not be it.

1. Since it is the Christmas season, may as well explain that Christmas in Japan is very different from Christmas in the states. It is a holiday for couples instead of family and very few people get the day off. Though I know in the U.S. there are a lot of people who still work on Christmas day ... and of course the holiday here has nothing to do with Christianity since Japan's Christian population is less than 1%. To be honest, the holiday has never had anything to do with Christianity for me, personally. But I am not very big on holidays for couples so couldn't care less.
2. The Japanese apparently think they live in a COLD country. This is hilarious to me considering how their houses don't even have central heating (someone told me they do in Hokkaido, but Hokkaido sounds like it is similar to the "northern" states of America where they only have three to six months of winter). Come back when you get nine months of snow and -50 F/-45 C at least twice a year. Oh, and central heating. Also, if the girls are more worried about being pretty than being cold then that also tells me that this is not a cold country. Girls in northern countries don't know what fashion even is (I still don't understand this foreign concept of "fashion"; why is it so important?).
3. I ate a fried leaf. http://www.lensonjapan.com/momiji-tempura-maple-leaf-snacks/
4. Maid cafés are not as interesting as I had thought. It is like a normal restaurant but with the waitresses dressed like maids. That draw on your food with ketchup or other condiments.
5. I guess I should mention Pachinko even though my interests in it are low. Pachinko is this game you play where balls fly around and sometimes they will go into holes where you get the chance to win some of these little silver balls. Once you win the balls, you can take them to another parlor (that is not associated with Pachinko) and exchange it for money. Technically gambling is illegal in Japan, but for some reason that I cannot understand this gets away with it. Maybe because in Alaska even things that could vaguely be related to gambling is illegal (except pull tabs for some reason). There are Pachinko parlors all over the damn place. There are apparently more Pachinko parlors in Japan than educational facilities. There are about four or five Pachinko parlors next to the train station I get on to go to school in the morning. They are loud and obnoxious buildings.
6. Somehow the Japanese get away with eating all this fried food yet are one of the healthiest countries on the planet.
7. There are escalators everywhere but benches and seating are nearly impossible to find.
8. I guess the Japanese think it is winter now, but there is no snow so I can't tell how they figured that out.
9. While I was waiting for my train one morning, I watched as one of the rail guides (I don't know what they are actually called, the people who blow the whistles and walk around to warn people of upcoming trains) shoved people inside the train as if he was packing a suitcase. That was how full the train was.
10. Apparently, back in the day, women used to blacken their teeth with a kind of dye that acted as a sealant. It was mostly done to married women, but the practice has died out.

That is all for today. I hope you enjoyed today's blog post and hopefully it wasn't too dramatic. Anyway, Happy Holidays and until next time~