Twelve Things

There is this Facebook thing where you like someone's status and they give you a number. You're supposed to use those numbers to tell facts about your life, or something as such. Since mine ended up being super long, I just decided to make it a blog post instead.

My number was twelve, so twelve things about myself ...

1. I almost never say that I am American. It is always that I am an Alaskan. I know that the U.S. is very diverse, but I feel like Lower 48 Americans compared to Alaskans and Hawaiians are a whole other playground. I've met more Lower 48-ians since my adventures in France and Japan started than I did when I was in Alaska. It has opened my eyes to realize just how different we are. I always have a difficult time relating to people from the Lower 48. I feel like we are from a different country more than just a different part of the same country.

2. I yearn for knowledge. Learning is one of my purposes in life.

3. I wish that I had cared more about math and that, in the past, I had more interest in it. Now I feel as though it is very difficult to get to where I want with math since I am so far behind. I want to understand complicated math formulas in order to understand complicated ideas of the universe (and with my ever growing interest in science, I need math). But at the University I am stuck in developmental math, far behind. Even if I caught up, I wouldn't have the money to continue going to school just to learn math. If anyone has any tips on how I can learn math other than the University, that would be wonderful.

4. I always wondered why when I was in grade school it was so difficult for me to make friends. I had friends, but they were usually always preoccupied with other friends. The older I grew, the more my friends faded and grew into cliques that I was simply a ghost when I was a part of it. I would say things and no one would acknowledge it. I wondered why my voice was not heard. Was I loser? Did I not understand how social cliques and being social worked? After I graduated, I had a lot of hatred in my heart about it. There was a lot of anger towards people who were my friends. It was unfair of me to have this much hatred, but I think it is this hatred that led me into a time of self-reflection. After some time, I wanted to become better for myself. I wanted to dispel this hatred that really was at myself more than at my previous friends. I hated myself for being a loser, for being so full hate, and for blaming others and treating others less because I couldn't figure out how to be socially normal. I still haven't figured out this whole social thing, but I have managed to dispel a lot of hatred. I work for happiness now, for the happiness of others and myself. It is easier for me to make friends, but I look for friends who are positive and not passive aggressive. But I have become a very different person than I was even two years ago. But that's okay, I am always striving to be a better person and conquer my fears and weaknesses.

5. This is just a continuation of number 4. I think at some point, I realized that I am weird. Like a lot of people think they are weird, and they pride themselves on being "weird", but I think that I am legitimately weird to some people. Not the good weird. The bad weird. Like, socially awkward in a not pleasant kind of way Weird. As in, not Zooey Deschanel awkward, more like really quiet and lots of social anxiety that is obviously awkward. Actually, this article pretty much sums up what I mean by "bad weird": http://www.succeedsocially.com/weird. Wow, it is like this person stalked me. Except the Hyper and Childish, Amusing myself, or provoking people who shun me ... the rest is quite accurate. I think that this is one reason why number four happened. I was a loser. Kind of still am. Not that I personally find it a bad thing, as I have come to accept myself and have little or no shame about being socially different. I don't fit into the mold, and I do not wish to. My social anxiety has gotten better, and I say a lot less stupid things to people I don't know. I think being weird in this way is a part of me, kind of the core of who I am so it isn't something I really want to change. I've come to accept myself better.

6. Talking about social molds, I really am not fond of these. I do not think that women must be feminine, that men must be masculine, or that other social constructs determine how a person must act. I really am for the nurture argument, that environment and what we see as a young child determines how we act. Of course, I think there are some situations where nature plays a role, but in the gender argument, I am strictly for nurture besides when it comes to the biological aspect of the human body. Of course men and women have different downstairs and a little bit of different amounts of chemicals, but other than that I really think that gender is taught. So I will not agree with you if you say that all men are stupid and think with their dicks, nor will I agree with you that all women like chocolate and high heels. This does not just apply to gender, but for racial stereotypes as well. I do not think someone of a different skin color is any different from me besides they have built in sun-block and I don't. How can I even complain about that? Everyone to me is human first. We are all one on this planet, and I love people based on who they are, not what they are.

7. My top pet peeves are: a.) you know that time when the theatre gets dark and the movie starts? You are supposed to put your phone away at that point. b.) long fingernails. They interfere with everything! Typing, writing with a pencil, just everything. I can't understand people who work at jobs where they do typing and have these manicured, long nails. c.) 1 cent coins! UGH. Dollars, Euros, Yen. Why does these exist? They are useless! d.) people standing behind me or off to my side while I am sitting. e.) the sound when you rub the carpet, it hurts me. f.) sick children who are coughing these gross, sick coughs nearby. g.) people who talk to children in this baby voice. They are not morons, just kids. A gentle voice is okay, but a baby voice is absolutely unnecessary and it sounds like you are mocking them. h.) Being late. I like to think that I am fairly patient, but when people are late repeatedly or so late that I am missing out, I get a little irritated. Or when I am with people and I am ready but they are not so we are all late. I can take like five minutes to get ready, but if you are not like that, please get ready in advance. Know how long it takes for you to get ready for something. And if you are late, apologize. And mean it. It's annoying when someone is late, and they are not even winded, with their hair all styled ... and then they say, "Oh, I am so sorry I was late! Teehee." Grrr. g.) Being told that I look or am just like my mother. Sorry, Mom. I just think that we are very different people. Also, I think that I look like a mix of both of my parents. It just so happens that I am a female, my mom is a female so people say "You look just like your mom!" But then my brother and I look a lot alike but I never hear anyone saying that to him. So, no, I don't think you're being "nice" when you say that. I think you are saying something you feel obliged to say and honestly it's a little bit rude. It tells me you know nothing about my personality. In fact, my mom and I are almost opposites. She is outgoing and likes being social, I am an introvert and let's just say that I have spent months without going outside or seeing other people and was content about it. She is much more a people person than I would ever want to be. We are very different. It's not a bad thing. Nothing wrong with being different. I like to be different.

8. I have chronic physical pain, which I think I have mentioned before. A bone near my spinal cord is fused together, so I am in a lot of pain from time to time. I think it explains a lot of things in my life, such as having a lot of sleep issues (that I think I have explained in a previous blog post as well). But I do not like to admit when I am in pain.

9. I am obsessed with the idea of death. This concept has subconsciously controlled a lot of my life. It was only until recently that it left my subconscious and it dawned on me that it was the case. For so long, I denied that I would ever die. I truly believed that I would live forever and escape the clutches of death. I would find the cure, an elixir of life. The fear of death consumed me. Throughout my entire life I have had horrific nightmares, most related to death. I am very much effected by death, even when I watch a movie or read a book and death happens, I feel so much pain from it in most cases. As a child, I read a lot. For fear of character death, I always read ahead to see if they died, so that if they did it would be less painful when I got to it. But I am interested in death, or a concept of an afterlife involving the paranormal. I've managed to write a 300 page bestiary on mythical, folkloric beings, most being related to death in some form. It dawned on me that I was obsessed with death around eight months ago. I had sleep paralysis, where this monster was staring down at me, its hallowed out eyes staring into my soul. I saw myself for a split moment, lying there, staring at this creature. Then I returned to myself, paralyzed, unable to move. It was so real. When I finally broke from the sleep paralysis, I was so relieved it had not been real ... but it did not leave my mind and at that moment, I thought of death. I thought of it and it made me physically cold and sick. At that point, it was as if all of the pieces had connected and I realized that I was obsessed with death.

P.S. This is not a plea for help. I very much enjoy life. I am just obsessed with the concept of death, not of being dead. I still fear death, greatly. I do not fear the idea of living forever. So, don't worry.

10. Hell, this is so long. Who wants to read all this shit? I adore writing. It is really the best way for me to 'talk'. There are things I would never tell people through talking, but would tell them through writing. Perhaps that is why I am a little more open in my blogs and Facebook than I may be in real life. I enjoy the distance. I can tell people something without having to see their faces, without seeing their reactions. I don't have to see if they think I am crazy. Of course, there are some things I greatly prefer to say in person, but I can express myself ten times better through writing. Sometimes I don't have to think when I write, my fingers just move and my ideas form onto paper or a computer document. I just go, and my feelings leave me, my thoughts transcribed and no longer consuming me. I don't enjoy going long bouts without writing.

11. I always find it sad when people think swear words are uncreative. If they are so uncreative, why don't you make them creative? In fact, I find it uncreative to think something is uncreative. Yes, of course, it is the job of the creator to make something creative, or give a little push, but it is also the job of the person receiving to use their brains and be creative as well. I detest that schools teach creativity, but only within the confines of what they think is creative. If you are too creative, too thoughtful, you are a danger. Do not fear creativity! Do not fear conformity either, for where this conformity, there is a chance to turn it into creativity.

12. I may be afraid of death, but I am not afraid of life. And while I am afraid of death, I am also intrigued. I am intrigued by my fears.

13. BONUS because I forgot one that I really wanted to say.

As I child I never wanted to grow older. Although I was bullied, and at times a bully myself ... and often I was lonely and sad that I was misunderstood ... I was always content where I was. I remember at age twelve realizing that I was depressed, and when I told others that I was depressed they told me, "no, you are too young for that, you are just sad." But I was depressed. I felt more than just sadness. I hated myself and the world. But I did not wish to be older, as being older does not make life easier or happier.

And now that I am older, I do not yearn to be young again. I would change nothing in my life (except maybe that I had tried harder with math). I am content to be twenty-two. I do fear getting older. But as I said, I am intrigued by what I fear.


Wow, that was so long. I am so hungry for breakfast right now. I hope that if you read all of this, that you enjoyed it and maybe you understand a little bit about why I am ... well ... kind of weird. But aren't we all? Of course, every day is a journey and every day I realize that I do not know a lot about myself. These are realizations about myself that I have had ... but they may change as I change. Who am I? I don't know, and that's okay because the mystery is the best part of life. Mystery gives me the yearning for knowledge.

Anyway, I have to go eat breakfast now. Until next time~

Air Pollution

The first time I realized that something was amiss was in Grenoble. It would become hard to breathe, and I would frequently cough this wheezy, tired cough. My host family took me up into the mountains, and when I looked down upon Grenoble, I gasped. A huge haze, human-made haze, covered the city. In the mountains, I felt as though new life had been breathed into me and my coughs were gone. Once I returned back to Grenoble, it came back. Rainy days were better.

Here in Osaka, I get headaches more often, the wheezy, weak cough has returned; and often my chest is heavy. Last weekend I had gone to an onsen (hot springs) up in the mountains of Wakayama Prefecture, and again I was free to breathe. 

Living in Alaska, I'm not so sure many people know what it is like to experience true air pollution that greatly damages the air we breathe. Although, the main problem regarding air pollution (oh, does everyone absolutely hate this, I do too ... but facts are facts) is wood smoke. Wood smoke is actually a very bad carcinogenic and when you burn wood, even if you like its woody smell, you are poisoning yourself almost as much as a cigarette would. http://www.familiesforcleanair.org/health/health4/. If that isn't sufficient enough information for you, then you are free to go do your own research and come back to me with a ten-page paper with your findings if you'd like. I would most definitely read it (no sarcasm). 

I am not sure if wood smoke pollution is as dangerous as the pollution that major cities expel, but either way ... I can feel the affects much greater here in Osaka and when I was in Grenoble than I ever had when I was in Alaska. 

My main question is: how can humans live like this? How many go, day by day, breathing in this poison without ever wondering or knowing what damage their body is taking? How can the people who are aware of this not educate others? And why do some people plug their ears and ignore what is happening? There is nothing to deny. People die daily from air pollution. It could be you, it could be me. So why is this acceptable? This is not something that only effects one person, it effects everyone who lives in the area, and all major cities have this problem. I generally have this belief that people should be allowed to do whatever they want, as long as it doesn't effect others. Pollution does.

As I said in my previous blog, environment is the most important thing to me. I come from a very nature-based land. Alaska is wilderness. It is environment and nature. When I see litter, it infuriates me. How could you throw your plastics and your garbage onto this beautiful land? Why is it so difficult to carry it to a garbage can? And if that garbage can is full, why can you not find another one? People here in Japan like to brag about how "clean" it is here, but I see nothing but pollution infiltrating my lungs and people seem to lack the ability to throw things away worse here than in Alaska (not as bad as Grenoble though). 

My wonder is how people can be more worried about societal constructs such as government and money and things that only exist because humans said so over the environment. Something that is real no matter what. If the government falls, there will be many people who suffer. If money were to be abolished, some people may suffer. But if the environment falls ... everything will suffer.  Our societal constructs will no longer matter at that point. It won't matter who is president, which party is "destroying" the U.S. (as it seems both sides think the other is destroying it - they are both right), who is the bigger 'meanie', who believes in what ... none of that will matter. But who will have the last laugh? 

And that is my post for today.

Until next time~

Religion and Alaska Whiners

I know I have been seriously slacking on blog posts, but sometimes my creative juices aren't working and my inspiration is down. This last week has been slow, not much happening. Tomorrow I will be going to an onsen (hot spring) in the Wakayama Prefecture. Other than that, I am lacking in the news department. I have been very tired lately. Even with enough sleep, it is a struggle to wake up in the mornings.

Today I won't have any particular topics to discuss, but maybe just several odd topics instead.

My first topic, since it is the thing that is currently on my mind, is religion. This is always a touchy topic, as someone always gets offended, but I stopped caring about people getting offended over religion quite some time ago (since all I have to do is say I don't believe in a god in order to offend someone). If you read this and are heavily religious/spiritual and feel the need to discuss the topic with me afterwards, keep these thoughts in mind: 

1. I have no desire to argue about religion ... been there, done that ... too many times. 

2. I will not be converted. Been there, done that. 

So really, don't waste your time. 

Chances are, you are reading my blog because we are Facebook friends and you saw the link I posted about a new blog post. In this case, you may be aware that I like/share/post a lot of atheist/agnostic/wiccan/pagan/anti-theist-related things. This seems to allow for people to assume that I am an atheist liberal who hates religion. Let me debunk a few of these in case anyone thought otherwise. 

1. Statement One: I am an atheist.

Okay, fair enough. I post a lot of atheist-like things. I don't believe in a god(s), this is true. Though, I tend to take a more agnostic approach on this. There could be a god, but I am just more inclined to not think so. I am more likely to be polytheistic than monotheistic. Why? Because it is easier to justify the existence of evil if there are multiple gods than if there is just one, omnipotent one. Either way, I really just don't think so. When I think of the suffering in the world, I cannot accept the idea of a god. 

My beliefs are complicated, just like anyone else really. I really enjoy many different types of paganism. New Age Paganism, I find, is very peaceful. People who support nature and love, while discouraging hatred and anger. Taking from the old religions and breathing life back into them. I have no issues with religions that speak of peace and love (and aren't missionary). Sometimes I consider myself pagan, because their connection with nature is beautiful to me. 

So in the end, it depends. Some days I feel pagan, some I feel atheist, and some I feel agnostic. 

2. Statement Two: I am a liberal.

I really am not a fan of being categorized politically. I do not consider myself liberal nor conservative. There are things I lean left and things I lean right. I would not vote for a Democrat nor a Republican. I think our two party system is a huge joke. Honestly, I think we should completely do away with our entire system, start over from scratch. The most important thing to me is environment, because once that's gone then I guess no one can complain about politics, eh?

3. A hate religion.

No. I hate nothing. I am not a huge fan of religion. I think that the way many of the younger Japanese view it is a good way to view it. Religion is dangerous. If you believe in something and keep it to yourself, then so be it. Enjoy. Once you tell people what to do with your beliefs, then there is a problem. I've done a lot of religious research. I've read the Holy Bible, the Quran, the Book of Mormon, the Vedas ... and anything I could get my hands on related to religion. I know about religion. I don't find a lot of them to be as peaceful as they say they are. There have been a lot of cultures that have been destroyed and lost thanks to 'peaceful' religions. I respect others and their right to believe in whatever. I have a policy that as long as you are hurting no one, do whatever you want. Once you step out of those bounds is when I have an issue. 

So there's that. A few things cleared up on that topic. One thing that always seems to surprise me is that I have a lot of people who request me to go to church events, or like religious-related pages. Perhaps they think they are trying to 'save' me. A nice gesture, but I am already saved. 

I think of religion and beliefs (and life) as a path. Everyone has a path, and that is their religious/life/spiritual/whatever journey. As you go along, you build your own path. Sometimes you stop and make shelters or struggle to find where you are and where you're going or what you believe in. Occasionally your path my cross others, but your path is still your path. Whatever is correct on your path, may only be correct on your path. A religious zealot, I view, is someone who decides it is their job to go and try to build other people's paths. While they do that, they go onto a path that is not theirs ... that is different ... and then try to make it their own, or like their own. But the uniqueness is that everyone's path is different. Everyone has a different truth, a different goal to achieve. I have no problems with the person who goes onto someone else's path and offers help or advice. It is when they try to take over, tell you how to build your own path where the problems arise. Religion is a private thing to me. I don't mind discussing it, but it is your private thing, your belief. Not mine. Just because it is your truth, does not make it my truth.

There is my short religious talk. My second and final topic is Alaska and how Alaskans on my Facebook are the biggest whiners when it comes to weather. Seriously? 

This is what happens every time it snows in June, the winter is a little late ending, it snows in September or October, it gets -40, roads are icy, or any other normal weather that happens in the middle of Alaska:

WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE.

If this is you ... why do you live in Alaska, the interior especially? Because people from Anchorage on my Facebook don't complain. Isn't that embarrassing? I thought people from the interior were the 'real' Alaskans. No, because they complain every time the weather is extreme, which the interior is known for. Unless you are a teenager and you have no choice, you have absolutely no reason to complain. Save up. Move out of the interior. Unless you are a teenager, you had to have rather made the choice to come to the interior, or made the choice to stay there. So why are you complaining? Suck up! 

My favorite is when people complain about having winter for nine months as if it is abnormal in the interior. 

This is just one of my great pet peeves. Along with people spelling ridiculous 'rediculous'. I love Alaska, and being away from it for two winters has really made me appreciate it. I love cold weather. I love snow. That is why I will return to Alaska and not complain (except when it is 95 degrees, what is up with that shit?). 

So I guess I mostly just complained this week, but I hope you enjoyed my rants nonetheless!

Also, I need someone who has Pokémon X and Y to trade with me. Seriously. I have some Pokémon that require trade evolution.

~Until Next Time